The Hero With No Fear's Tumblr Page

You might think I’m being unreasonable; you might think I’m trying to force us to be friends again; you might think that I’m being a terrible liar. The fact is that I’m trying to be reasonable. I’m trying to convince you that we can clean the slate and start afresh; not force you to be a friend again. I’m expressing myself through the comfort and familiarity of words; what follows is not a lie. It’s how I feel. You’re free to dismiss it; but please remember that I’ve taken the time to write it for you. 

Whenever I see a baby or a small toddler I’m reminded of how much you love and cherish kids. I know that you’ll be a great mother someday. Loving and caring. You’ll find someone great in the near future. I always hoped you’d invite me to your wedding. I thought we would transform into close friends. Instead I really screwed things up. You feel awkward and uncomfortable knowing me these days.

Nevertheless you still ask me how I am, you say ‘hi’ and we have a quick little chat and for a minute it starts to feel like the times we used to talk before. I honestly miss that. Sure I screwed things up in the past too; but I know I’m learning from all of my stupid mistakes. I should never have lied about a couple of things to you; the sole reason for those lies was that I didn’t want you to see me differently. But of course you’d see me differently….so I know I deserve being treated unfairly by you.

I’ve changed my attitude and tried to be more carefree but you accuse me of being mean and sly to you. I’d never be mean or sly to you. I know you accuse me of knowing what I’m doing. The only thing that I know I’ve been trying to do is to get you to laugh and realise that I’m there for you; I’ve failed thus far. 

You told me that you’re really upset. I’ve honestly never wanted you to feel that way. Your happiness means a lot to me. Now I have to really put myself in your shoes….

Maybe I’d not want to be friends with me either. I’d want to work things out; but then I’d be afraid of the other person making a stupid mistake again. 

One of the problems you have with me is that you think I only value our friendship because I have feelings for you. That is not true. I value our friendship because you’ve always been there for me; especially when I felt I had no-one. Sure other friends helped me out, but not to the extent of your efforts. I always looked back at what you did and I appreciated everything; though I should have applied myself harder. I value the friendship for many other reasons too. You have a kind heart….which I don’t want you to think I keep ‘exploiting’. I’m not. I don’t want to look like I’m taking advantage of your kindness. I want to return the favour….I want to be there for you, just like you were always there for me. 

All the things you told me about yourself, over the last 3 years we’ve known each other, has shown me that you’re a strong person. You’re a much stronger person than I am; your will is stronger than mine. You’ve taught me to take a hard look at myself. You’ve taught me to never fail anyone in the future. You’ve taught me to live again.

I’m not the person you think I am. Yes I was too much of an attention seeker before; but now…..I know this is like asking the impossible….but now I wish to be treated fairly as a friend. We can both start afresh; as if we’re two people meeting for the first time. Two friends. No air of awkwardness. No lies on my behalf.

It’s all up to you though. You said that I don’t listen; that I’m forcing this on you; but I’m giving you the chance to seriously consider a fresh start. A shot at something better. If that fails then you can tell me that I’m not worthy to be your friend; but I won’t allow it to fail. It’s important to me. By the way I know that you say you don’t care, but all the effort you made before….what was that for? You said that you tried to be a friend to me before. I wish I could have made things better for you whilst you were being friendly to me. 

With a fresh start; things can be better. 

On Graduation day I’ll be really sad because I know I’ll be saying goodbye to many people, you included. It’s months away but it’ll be here soon. Time deceives us all. I know I probably won’t get a goodbye cuddle but if we can manage to be good friends by then, then I know that all this will have been worth it. 

I’m not trying to deceive you or anything. I’m only being honest about how I feel. I’d hate to say goodbye to you so soon. There’s still that possibility hanging that you think it is best to say our goodbyes now….and move on. It’s too soon though; much too soon.